Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
