I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist