My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
