between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
