My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
