I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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