he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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