My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wish I only lived at night.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Hippo gnu deer
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
