The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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