I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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