i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
