just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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