Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
