She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
