stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
