TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Bring me that man meat
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
