i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
