I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
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we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
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dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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