I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
