There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just had sex bonerless
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
