Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
