this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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