so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
