the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
