I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The best revenge is premature balding
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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