my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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