The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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