I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
