I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
