I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
