i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
