Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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