I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
