I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
