i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
