Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
