I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
