Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's rum buckets o'clock
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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