he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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