I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
