I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
