i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
