DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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