Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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