Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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