proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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