people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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