I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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