You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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