If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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