Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
