I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I FOUND THE LEGS
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
