I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize