When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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