Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
