mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Can I color on your dick again?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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