You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
