..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
